Solitary Conversations (Part 1)

This is something I’ve been thinking about since the early hours of this morning. I pulled another ‘all nighter’ in a poor effort to get some writing done and instead, I spent most of those hours watching YouTube. I did do some writing, just to clarify that I did do something, but hours later and it feels wasted.

I was drawn into YouTube because I like music playing when I write, not all the time, I suppose it depends on what I’m trying to get into and last night/this morning kind of told me that I should have gone to bed and left all the writing alone. What I ended up with, apart from a few new tracks in my library, was nine pages of waffly crap. I have noticed, that lately, (Okay, not that much lately, it’s been a while, in all honesty) I’m not quite where I want to be. I’m wondering if I’ve hit a slump after the real fun that was Angelica, perhaps I’m being a little harsh with myself, perhaps it’s just a seasonal thing.

The other truth, which could well be a reality, is that I’m just not concentrating on sticking to one story and I’m jumping between three of them. Yeah, a new one has recently kicked off, just after I’d finished The Sock Fairy piece and I had two items on my list and now there’s a third. I’m wondering if this is nothing more than a want/don’t want scenario? Fairly straightforward, I think, but this new piece is intriguing for me, as it’s nothing that I haven’t tried before, so I’m thinking that perhaps all I’m doing is rehashing old ground and I should have left it alone. The other two pieces? Well, they still have to be done and one in particular is proving to be a real pain. I think I’ve let it go for so long I just can’t pick up on it, you know the beat you get with something and your counting is ever so slightly off, I’m not quite able to grasp it and make anything of it. Maybe I’m just tired and all this will be different tomorrow, perhaps it will; perhaps it won’t. Who’s to say?

I also commented previously, that I’d do one of these a week, well a first in  that this is the second this week and there could possibly be a third, a fourth if I get desperate enough. No, I’m kidding (No I’m not!), I hope that two will be enough of me rabbitting on about sweet naff all during these weeks. Anyway, what with Christmas coming up (Not something I look forward to at all!) I know a lot of people who are so wrapped up in it and that’s good, I hope you enjoy it all. Me, I’ll be here on my own and drinking as much tea and smoking as best I can. I might, if I can afford to, buy a pack of cigars and enjoy those as well. Nice to have little things every now and then.

I think I’ll skip another all nighter and get an early night instead, come back to the writing tomorrow and see how it all stands then. I’m tempted to delete what I did last night, but on reading again, a couple of little things do show up so I’m gonna hang tough on them for now, but come the weekend, they could just as easily be all gone. One of the habits I have grown out of though is that I rarely print anything off any more. I used to print everything off and read whatever it was while waiting on the kettle and yet more tea. Some things have changed, but not all.

This started out as something quite simple and has, hopefully, remained like that, there are times where things just swing around and we don’t see them coming, but I think I managed it this time. For one thing, my love of tea is well documented, as I suppose is my smoking and that has to stop, perhaps as a new years resolution, or some other stupid idea I might get. Don’t know, we’ll see.

Okay, I’m beginning to think about drawing this to a close, it suddenly seems so dark out there now, like I just noticed it. Yeah, I think it’s time I signed this off. So, in time honoured fashion, please take care out there and mind the gap…

Something New Out There…

A little while ago, I wrote a 500 word piece for a mini challenge in the General Fiction Challenge Group on WriteWords. This came about because SJ, and she is a lovely lady, wanted something quick and about a domestic appliance.

That’s what I did, along with a few others, but I then sat back and looked at what I’d done and thought, hang on, what if.. Now, sometimes, I get rolling on a story by whatever means are at hand. What I’ve gone with before might be nothing more than a name, or in the case of Miranda and Wendy, two names. The domestic appliance piece was something a little different; in this, there’s a lonely man, who, by means of a little magic, meets a sock fairy.

The eventual story wound out at just over 2500 words and one that I really enjoyed writing, I really enjoyed reading (Yes, perhaps I’m biased because it’s my work, but that doesn’t always happen like that), and really enjoyed being involved with. After this though, As I was on another writers site that I’m a member of, I saw a writing competition. I read through the domestic appliance piece and thought why not?

This is my attempt at entering a competition, I’ve never entered one before, so I uploaded the story, printed off a hardcopy and posted that off yesterday morning. I did, prior to this, put the story up in the GFCG, and the feed back I got from it was just incredible. So Thanks to Fabienne, Nancy and massive thanks to Mand, for doing what you did. Mand rewrote the piece, not changing words, but my dreadful punctuation mostly and a bit of layout. Now, it’s gone off to Dublin and I’ll wait and see. There is a first prize of 1000 euro’s, but to be honest, the real incentive for me was just to enter, even if I never hear a word about the story, it doesn’t matter, because what does, is that I had a go. The winners will be announced about the middle of February so I definitely won’t be holding my breath. I can drink so much tea between now and then, but it was great fun so I may even have a go at another, brave or stupid, I don’t know, but who’s to say I can’t?

The story itself hasn’t rekindled my affliction for writing, it hasn’t made it run any easier, nor by contrast, made it any harder but what it has done is make me sit down and read this little story and put a smile on my face. I like that, just a read of it and I can smile and then say, ‘Okay, who really wrote this?’  It doesn’t feel like me, but my name is on the page and I’m not going to pick it apart, because as I’ve said before, that doesn’t really help. It’s a bit late now anyway, the story is in my documents folder and marked ‘DO NOT DELETE’ the other copy is in Dublin so that brings us neatly to the close.

After I posted the entry, I came back to the flat and put the kettle on. There was a huge sense of relief that I had uploaded and then sent the story, because for a second, I wasn’t going to. That second was no more than a blink and brain said ‘Just do it!’ so I did.  I had my tea and a cigarette and as a consequence, I switched on my laptop and looked at the story and I wasn’t wrong. I was smiling again. So that really is it, that’s what happened.

So, please, take it easy out there and mind the gap.

Staying With it…

Hi there! Ah, I can see that it’s been awhile since I was last here. Now I know that nobody has missed me, I’m that kind of guy, so hey, ain’t nothing to worry about. Suddenly lost track of thought. Sorry about that, but this does happen from time to time.

Then, suddenly, we’re off again!

So, it’s Wednesday December 9. Here in the Republic, it’s budget day and well, to not put to fine a point on it, it hasn’t been a good year. Let’s not get all doom and gloom about it, I’m pretty sure that things will get better. What we should do, is do our best to remain positive, keep our chins up and smile because, let’s face it; sometimes, it’s all we can do.

Okay, so what I won’t do here is a review type thing, you know, one of those yearly review jobs, I’ll save that for closer to new year, it seems more apt, I think. Which I suppose leaves another question; What is this about?

Well, it’s about a year where a lot has happened, I’m not going to get all personal, this isn’t what this is about. If we take a small step at a time, then I’m pretty sure that it’ll work out just fine. Trials and tribulations I think they’re called and a lot of us have seen a few of those this year, and perhaps from the previous as well. I usually do these with earphones in and I’ve just made  tea. Do I need music blaring in my ears like that? Sometimes, yes, it helps and can, in perhaps an odd way, be soothing and scene setting. A change of mood, maybe.

I am, still doing my drivelling. A number of people are probably groaning now that I am still doing it, but I never said I wouldn’t, although to be fair, it has, thankfully, slowed down now. I feel as if a lot of the enthusiasm for it has worn off, dulled is maybe a better way of putting it. What I will say here is that I continue to be a member of Writewords (three groups, no less!) and I will remain so until May 2010. Then, I’ll review and see if it’s still worth staying with and I may yet renew, there’s a lttle way to go yet. I may review the groups that I belong to, I could pull out of one of them at anytime and there is a temptation to do that.

As far as this drivelling goes, what I’m looking at doing for the new year is having them properly read and with that professional appraisal, see if they really are worth contnuing with. I’ve never believed that this ‘writing’ thing is a waste of time, I think it’s the opposite, I think it’s fun, well, okay, for me it is, not just in what I drivel, but also in reading what other people have written, to share in that and it simply doesn’t matter what they’ve written, if they can be open enough to want to share then that’s just fine. I know how protective we can be with a few things and yes, there are a few characters that I am very protective of, but in order to know if I can go on with them, I need to feel confident enough to let someone else have a look at them. The thing is, if they rip these stories to pieces, am I likely to either burst into tears or hit them? I hopeful that all I’ll do is sit there and ask for some tissues. There is a fear built into this, but it’s something I have to do. But that’s for the new year and not this.

In the here and now, I’m sitting at my laptop and gently tapping all these words out and I can draw this to a close that’s quite proper and genuinely happy. My last post, ‘Being in debt’, was, I think one of my best and this isn’t anything like that. This perhaps, hasn’t been as clear cut as the others but, the important thing here is that I am writing (Now there’s a surprise, me using the word writing!)  and quite enjoying what I’m doing as well. It can feel like a chore and get all nagging in the way it’ll either move as intended or drag itself along and be nothing more than a pain. This isn’t like that. No, what this should be is fun and whole heartedly enjoy what this does, it prompts the brain into getting it all up and running, get something going in the brain department, mine spends a lot of its time sleeping and only so often decides to join the rest of my physical being. Ah, well, these things happen.

So, wrapping all this up, in the time honoured fashion, take it easy out there and please, mind the gap.

Being in debt…

This I suppose is somewhat different. I have to realise that I haven’t been here for a while and I know I said I’d try and do one of these a week, so I apologise for that, mind you, I’ve not been missed so there we are. But now that I am here, and just to let you know, the weather here in Passage West is not very nice at all. Heavy grey skies and a fair bit of rain. 

I had an idea of what this is supposed to be about, but somewhere, I kind of went off track with it, The title, ‘Being in debt…’ doesn’t refer to owing someone money, no, this is something so much better than that. A different debt, but nothing at all to do with money. Nor is it a debt of honour, this is, for me, something that I still find hard to put into words, what my debt is, is to someone for how they made me feel. There is something here that even now, days later makes me think. That’s all about her. This lady, and yes, I refer to her as a lady, really and truthfully had me open my eyes and made me feel so alive and so incredibly happy. I’m not going to ruin this by using words that simply have no place here, what this lady did for me was to make me forget how cold I had become, so ignorant of the fact that I live alone and there are times that I sit on my own and do nothing more than cry. Yeah, so now you can have some of my honesty and I make no apolgies for it.

I met her due to a hospital appointment. I have a little problem and I was at the check up and that’s where all this took off. I have already written about this, this has been uploaded to WriteWords, where it will remain, I have a copy of it in my documents folder and this piece has become so important, like treasure, it will never be deleted. Although I suppose I should never have written the piece in the first place, but this one, I just had to.

To say that this is nothing more than a moment wouldn’t be wrong, I would agree but moments like this that feel so powerful don’t come along that often, it’s what I saw, what I felt and what I feel now, a week or more later and that feeling is still so strong and it’s as if she’s climbed into my head and taken over my heart and that to me is just simply wonderful. It’s wonderful that I can feel like this, that I can take that moment and have my dream and make me like this. 

This may be the most silliest thing I’ve ever done, perhaps this is something that I genuinely am so mistaken with but it doesn’t feel like that.  She may not see me in the same way and no doubt, she probably doesn’t even remember me, but that doesn’t take anything away from this. Because this is me and what she made of me. I could go into the whole story of the how’s and why’s but I won’t. That’s been documented and saved and I think in that, she saved me.

Still making mistakes (3)

Funny how a day can just turn around. It’s a spark that suddenly makes the day that so much more, just  something that can turn the day into something so much brighter.

Perhaps I should explain, I should be vocal in what happened and okay, why shouldn’t I? Why not have the courage to write this?

I’m thinking back to yesterday, it was a Bank Holiday in the UK, here in Ireland, ours is the first Monday of August, but that doesn’t really matter. What does is what happened. Here, is where I write and let you in on it, so you can see…

I had uploaded a piece of work that I was writing. I use ‘was’ here, because the piece in question is from my Miranda and Wendy stories, the piece is from the prequel, it’s a bout 6 pages long and I abandoned it. I wrote this about 2 months ago and just left it. I left it because I found it very painful to write, I know that may sound so stupid, but there is, in this piece, something of my own history and writing this made me think about that and as I stopped writing, I had actually started crying. I didn’t think anymore about it, but I loaded on WW because it is part of Miranda and Wendy’s history, it’s not ‘backstory’ this was originally intended to be the prequel and because of what I’d written and what it had done, I left it. However, I’m ramblinga again and I apologise yet again. Sorry, but it’s me.

I got a respose from Mand about thsi particular, apart from my apalling use of tenses (Something that can be fixed, so don’t panic!), she rewrote what I had done and I was so stunned at what she’d done, just so taken with the simple fact that I’d written something that could be turned into what has restatrted what I had abandoned. Just these 6 pages and I read what Mand had done and I was speechless. Just so simply amazed that someone could and would do that and the results (without sounding too ridiculous) were spectacular. This little thing that had been so hard for me to write and here is someone that doesn’t even know me and…Im still feeling the shock of it.

I may be going about this all wrong, but I disagree. What took place turned the day around and simply amazing. So we know where we at with these things, I’ve offered to buy Mand dinner the next time I’m in the UK, okay, it’ll be pizza but there you are, my promise and it’s not something I’m likely to forget. What still gets me is why something like this, that’s fiction, not real but to have that affect. Why? It’s not a bad thing, I’m not saying it is but why do I get like this? Is there some stupid rationality here that I feel for these ‘characters’? Is that possible that with Miranda and Wendy, that I hurt them and I somehow feel it as well? Why? A little and hopefully very quick notes here, I know from writing the Dark Places stories that I have become very protective of Christina and Helen. I suppose as they’ve grown, I’ve grown with them (Sounds so weird, but hey, it’s me!) and does that make any sense at all? I feel the same now with Miranda and Wendy, I can’t explain why this has happened, I simply don’t know. Maybe I’m trying too hard to find the answer and perhaps, the answer could just be that I’m lonely and I find something in here that I can hold onto? Could that be it? Something that I want? I’m going to look away, I think the answer is too frightening even for me to hold on to.

I’m a 48 year old bloke, who in twelve days will be 49. I live on my own, I don’t share my life with anyone and I’m certainly not going to open my heart here, this is not the place for that. But, I am reasonably happy and not as doom laden as you might think. Like me, my language is very simple, very straight forward and there you are, that’s me. After yesterday and that gift, it kind of feels precious and not worth wasting. I make it sound as I know what I’m doing and most of the time I have no idea at all.

I’m going to bring this to a close here. I will end this one by saying a huge thank you to Mand. You did make it so much better.

So take care and please, mind the gap.

Still making mistakes 2

Well, today is August 31, the weather here in Cork is pretty horrid, I’m just gonna pop the kettle on, so just hang on…

This is one of those days where I’m just fidgetty. I’ve been reading through some of my writing and those of you that know that I don’t really write that much anymore could be in for a shock… it’s virtually stopped now. I had, I thought got Miranda and Wendy done. Well, that’s a thought probably means bugger all, but yeah, it has almost stopped now. You’ll probably be so relieved that all my shit that I write (That just doesn’t fit, does it?) is more or less at an end. (I’ve just gone on to YouTube, I need a bit of music with this, so I have Dean Martin at the mo’…) I’m not sure that what I do is writing. I think that sometimes I just get so frustrated at being on my own and alone, that by me throwing a few words together, that it can somehow take that frustration away. It doesn’t always work, it often feels as though I’m living in a dark fantasy world, but that’s me and where I’ve put myself.

Perhaps, I should start again and jump out of the blocks screaming, but that isn’t what I do, what I do, what I really do is fuck things up. Yep! That is the REAL me! I look at a lot of what I have written and think: What the fuck am I doing here? Who the fuck do I think I am? Well, so you all know, I’m nobody. I ask very simple questions because that is who I am. I have a very simple use of words, I’m not prosaic in how I talk or write, it either is or isn’t. I’m getting pissed off when I type WRITE because that isn’t what I do. I don’t write. I just put shit on screen and hope to fuck that it sticks. That isn’t writing, that’s just fucking about. But why do it then? Why sit here on my arse and do this? I’ll let you into a little secret, I’m desperately trying to come up with something here that might mean something, but all I hear, apart from the music in my earphones, is that voice asking why the hell am I doing this?  What is the point of it?  

Okay, let’s open this up a little. Awhile ago, I joined WW. I know I said that before, it’s just a reminder. Now, I belong (belong?) to the Beginners Group. Just that one, I was also in the Intimate Moments Group, but that’s been closed down now (Due to inactivity, makes sense, if it ain’t working, then why have it?) but, the writing that I have had the pleasure in reading there is what you would define as writing. Ignore what I’ve done, look at what is there and you’ll see some really lovely writing. For an example, (SJ, I’m going to apologise for this, but…) there is an ongoing story on WW called ‘Purgatory’, this used to be loaded every Tuesday and I’m only splitting hairs, but with this story, there is something that I found has pulled me in, there is a nice gentle way in which the story moves,( Unlike mine which thunder along and don’t really make a lot of sense ) I’d say that Purgatory is a romance tale and I don’t mean that it’s romantic tripe, but Pugatory is something that I look forward to reading, (You can comment on work that is put up and I don’t really comment on anything, only to at least acknowledge something that someone has taken the time to WRITE!) note the subtle use of cap’s there, but yeah, in comparison to the utter crap that I spew out, there is a lot of good writing there and I use Purgatory as more than just an example. The group is predominatley ladies, Oh shit! Now I’m gonna  get fucked because of what I just said. Fuck… but anyway, let’s get passed that, it’s not meant to offend, it’s just how it is. Phew! I thought I was gonna get buried.

As I so nicely said earlier, my (I can’t keep calling it writing, that’s just stupid) drivel, I’ll go with that. It fits better. My drivel that’s almost stopped is kind of bumping along the bottom of the ocean. I thought, (Or hoped) that this would have finished by now, but my mistake again. Another fuck up by yours truly. I loaded a few pieces onto WW the other day, (I know I shouldn’t, but what can I say?) These are all that remained of Miranda and Wendy from what was the original (and unedited) version of the prequel. The biggest mistake here is that it shouldn’t have been called Miranda and Wendy, because, in this version, Wendy is NOT in it! There were only a few pieces drivelled out by me, I then abandoned it because I really wanted to get back to how Miranda and Wendy meet, so I went from there. But…a strange fucking twist again. After I uploaded these bits, I went back into that file, read what I’d done (It didn’t take long) and for some really fucking insane reason, I started drivelling with it again. Now, P3, which was scrapped in favour of P4, looks like it may be moving again. P3 is basically a murder mystery. P4 is something entirely different, P4, to me  is just brilliant, my drivel and I really like it. But, I’m going sideways again and we should go forward. As I said, I loaded these pieces and I get fucking pissed off that I put this away and then, pick it up and start running with it. WHY? just leave the fucking thing alone, it was crap before, it’s still crap now.  

The prequel (originally) dealt with Miranda and her car crash and the subsequent events following from that. It never got that far. I abandoned it because it was going nowhere, but then that stupid thing happened. So, in amongst all this shit, is a point that I’m hardly drivelling anymore, I think that it’s a good thing. I sit here and do shit like this and what do I see with it? Nothing but more shit. Sorry, something else just happened, but I’m back now. Im going to stop this here because…Oh I just want a mug of tea and a  fag. Somewhere, this all will make sense and I just won’t be awake enough to see it.

So, please take care and mind the gap…

Kicking it into touch…

The title to this could be wrong. But you know, I don’t think it really matters that much. Right, okay, we’ll press on and I might actually get something new done and I don’t have much to report…so..,

I had tried to get some of my writing onto Writewords and yet again, it didn’t go. I got pissed off with it, then I got really fucking angry with it and then, when my temper was at its peak, I said “FUCK THIS SHIT AND ALL THE REST OF IT!” Hey, that rhymes, Hmmm, there ya go, I’m  a fucking poet! What? Are you nuts? No, no, no. I may be many things but I certainly ain’t that. A poet? What are you on?

So, what am I going to do with this writing thingy? I might get around to doing nothing at all with it. Although, I am reminded that WriteWords isn’t the only site that handles writing stuff. What about the others that I joined? I can put work on them, can’t I? Yes, I can. With one of the sites it was so quick and easy it made WW look like it was running backward. I don’t want to get into a slagging war on WW, it is a good site, but not for me. There are some really nice people on there, mainly the members of the beginners group who are just great. Very friendly, helpful and quite willing to put up with shit like me, then they can’t be half bad at all.  It was good fun and reading some of the work  that’s on there is very impressive.

So, we move on again. Now what? Where to put my work? I’m gonna have another look at the 2 sites that I joined and I may start loading them up there instead. WW can be a pop in place for me and that’s all it will be, the others may hold something that would hopefully get my rubbish out and we’ll work on it from there. I have some rubbish done, a few things that I wrote awhile ago, some very new stuff that was so nearly put on WW, but these like a lot of other crap, just didn’t go.  Technical issues? Don’t know but having eight fingers and two thumbs don’t seem to equate to anything. Except that, I can do this and I’m going to sort of try and get a new post done each week.     

Moving on yet again, in case anyone is intrested, my story ‘Miranda and Wendy’ received it’s first public reading when I was in the UK last week. I read a lot of this out to my 18 year old daughter who thought that it was funny and the bad language didn’t bother her at all. She was even touched by the story in places, it is a love story after all, even if it is ever so slightly twisted, but my daughter got it and understood what I’d written. You may be tempted to say that she’s biased because she’s my daughter, don’t you believe a word of it, my daughter is as blunt and as outspoken as you could wish, she doesn’t spare her words, and she even thinks that ‘cunt’ is okay to use and she does regularly. She’ll make one hell of a lawyer, whoever side she’s on. So now that we’ve established that, Miranda and Wendy is almost complete now, although I still don’t have a title for the prequel which is so close to being done and I found this quite difficult to do, I have the middle of the trilogy done, the sequel is all done bar dotting the I’s, but the prequel is proving to be very difficult. There was me thinking how simple it would be…   

After Miranda and Wendy, then what? To simply answer that: There isn’t anything after these two. With Miranda and Wendy, I found that the story went in a direction I’d never been before, Not even with Christina and Helen, although, to be fair, Miranda and Wendy aren’t based on a supernatural theme, where as Christina and Helen’s story’s are such a lot of fun to write, I’m into the ninth and I’m supposed to go on until story twelve, by the way they’re looking I might need to adjust that figure slightly. There is something about writing stories with Christina and Helen in that I find very interesting.

With Miranda and Wendy, they are just a funny pair, in more ways than one, remembering that their story literally came from nowhere and even here, there is that element of how the hell did I get into this? As I said, when you strip all the decor away, Miranda and Wendy is a love story and even after reading through P4, it’s still the same. P3 was dumped, it was just a murder mystery and it had a nasty ending, but then, I suddenly had P4, the ‘P’ just means its a prototype, it doesn’t mean part. The sequel is now under its own title, ‘Even the best fall down’ and I think I have the title for the sequel, ‘What hurts the most?’ I’m not sure about it, it’ll do for now though. each of the stories follows the same pattern as the original: 3 Parts to each story, totalling around sixty pages. A nice simple format, not quite in my 3G  mode, but close enough for me to be happy with them.

I was thinking, only basically mind, that I could turn Miranda and Wendy into a series of stories like Dark Places, but I honestly think that 3 is enough. I’m not taking anything away from either, but the series does tend to suit Dark Places better as it’s really about a journey and the events that happen over a given period and when I say that this is NOT how they started out then that is exactly what I mean. Miranda and Wendy will have the trilogy and I suppose that I can always go back to them at a later time.

Something new? Well, yeah, I have something new. A short story called Aggie, a teenage vampire hunter who thinks and talks like she’s a lot older and the hunting lark gets in the way of her school work and then of course there’s the boyfriend and Aggie’s brother Bobby, who seems to know an awful lot about the creatures of the night. Their parents don’t know what is going on and Aggie has a lot of explaining to do…

I think that for now, I’ll sign this off, before I get boring and fall asleep. So, taking a cue from my previous blogs, Take care out there and please, mind the gap…

Arguing in the face of insanity

Welcome to Friday.

A nice enough start and I hope it’ll continue. I must admit to feeling somewhat frustrated this morning and it all stems from a phone call I made last night. I won’t at this stage say who I spoke to, (I probably will later and it could probably get me in a lot more trouble, but what’s one more screw up, hey?)  and it’s that feeling that following that call, it left me unhappy and somewhat pissed off.

I’m not naturally a person who normally gets like this, I like to think that I’m quite a happy kind of guy, I may be told how wrong I am and, it may come as no surprise at all to learn that I’ve been wrong before.  Ho hum, that’s the way it goes, I’m not guessing here, I think that’s true enough. But, I’m getting away from what I was aiming for and that really was to try and ask why this happened.

I go out for a walk, only down as far as the cross river ferry, but It’s a nice walk and the road follows the cuve of the sea, with Cobh opposite and it really is a nice day so far, lovely and bright and sunny and me out walking. There is a reason for me going down to the ferry and that’s to check how much it costs to travel across the harbour on foot. It’s 1 euro. That’s pretty bloody cheap and I’m hopefully going across tomorrow, a friend has asked me to go over so we can have a weekend of drink, take aways and DVD’s. Well, we’ll see. I shouldn’t drink, I don’t do it that often and there is a bloody good reason why I don’t. It’s not a medical thing, although my dietician may argue otherwise. Actually, Irene (My dietician) is quite nice. I think she’s  a little over five feet tall, but nice. She’ll be chatty enough and I note that I’m careful in what I say to her, not that she tries to catch me out, but I tend to start waffling about all sorts of crap and nothing to do with my diet.

Now that I’ve started to do this, I’m beginning to feel a little better. This ramble isn’t aimed at anyone, just me writing things down in my own weird and wonderful way. I don’t think I do this nilly willy (I really like those words, ‘Nilly Willy’, aren’t they just great?) I just feel like coming back from my walk, switch on my laptop and sit down for a minute and do this. It is sort of calming, after that blasted phone call and it’s like it doesn’t matter so much, I have to just let it go. As irritating as it was and afterwards, I turned the telly on and watched that until some real ugly hour. Glad that I don’t really pay much attention to it, I still channel hop a lot. I kind of setlled on Living and watched a repeat of a repeat of CSI, from season 1 and yeah, it was a repeat. Oh and wonders will never cease, they’re showing the whole of Ghost Whisperer again, (Bloody hell!) can’t they find some other crap to put on? Are they really that desperate to show shit like this all over again? Repeats of repeats. A cheap way of filling slots and it’s so yesterday. Drives you bleeding nuts! We’re suppose to have all this choice, yeah and that’s based on showing drivel that’s shown again an hour later and then again later in the week, so they know at some point, you’re gonna watch a repeat again and maybe, you won’t notice.     

This has been quite interesting. Starting off annoyed at one thing and now I”ve gone off and got stuck into something else. Perhaps, I should end this here before I lose the fun element to it, I like fun, it helps in getting me through the days. So with that in mind, my enjoyment of this, I’ll sign off.

So, please take care and mind the gap…

Bravery of the suicides.

Another idea or thoughts..

Something came up this morning as I was walking down to the shop. It may not be a subject that is talked about much and it is a subject that I certainly make no fun of.

So as I was walking along, it’s raining and quite dark out this morning, (that’s the weather out of the way) miserable I suppose you’d say. But, this thing came up and although I didn’t stop, I did think about this and I wonder why.

The thought behind this is concerning those people who commit suicide. I mean nothing by using the word ‘those’ there, it’s just the way I write things down. I wondered what it took for someone not just to think about suicide but in actually carrying this out. It must be such an act of bravery for them. That’s the view I take of it, to be driven that far and then think about taking your own life. I’m not trying to dissect why they choose this, that’s not fair and it isn’t necessary, there are those who have first hand experience of this and I’m not one of them. I’m not trying to cheapen this event, as dramatic and traumatic as it undoubtedly is, that’s what I think, my OWN view on this. 

But what I was thinking, more directly, is the bravery in such an act. I’m not looking for the reasons behind the why’s of this, just the position that someone would actually do it. would there be no other way? Nothing more that could be done? Perhaps, when all is said and done, this is the only way. I’m being rational here, I’m thinking about this as I write, I don’t want to upset anyone by what I’m writing either, that’s not why I’m doing this. I’m doing this simply because I was out walking and this came up with me. I don’t know why. I’m not asking myself a lot of questions about it, that one equestion that I am asking myself and that’s if I would do this and I’d say yes.

This is from my own point of view, it’s as invalid as you like, but I would do it. If I had absolutely no other choice, nowhere to turn, I would do it. I think it’s not as far away as I’d like, I have thought about it, I’m not going to say I haven’t. In fact, the way I have thought about it, for me it’s quite easy. All I’ve brought into this is a series of words and they mean nothing. My view is that it means something to me in that to take that step, to have that want and not see anything else must take a bravery that I don’t have the words for. 

The only thing here at this point, is the sadness that’s left behind. The damage, the loss and that’s not seen. Only felt, possibly not even spoken about. Words that are lost behind this, because of the hurt and damage that’s caused. I ask myself the question again and my answer is the same. That’s clear enough and I see nothing in me except a misery and that’s what I have become. My words to describe me. 

All this because of a walk? Is that it? No, it isn’t. I have thought about this before, there have been times and days and I ask why not? Why shouldn’t I? There’s nothing to stop me, then I’m bluntly reminded that there is. Is there a point where I tell myself that this is as far as I go? I sit down, put it all in some stupid perspective and do it? Why not? Why shouldn’t I? 

There are words and voices that aren’t mine. I listen and I try not to think too much about them. I want to stick with this as I do my best and try and work out why this thought started, why I took that walk and this happened. Would it help if I told you more about me? No, because that would only get in the way, the only thing I can add here and it’s as vacant and unexpressive as I want, what pushes someone to do that? That intensity to take that step and have it all suddenly finish? That may be so wrong, but it’s not a view that I hold. I’m not making fun of this, I don’t find a joke or see that this is funny by any means. 

It started out as nothing more than a thought, a walk and as I sit here, that much later and I try and work out why. I don’t know, but the thought that a bravery must exist in that action strikes me as incredible.  Here then, is where I bring this to a close. I don’t offer any reasoning for this, a shared thought maybe, something that perhaps you don’t want, but here it is anyway. 

I’m Jim Hewitt and you have been very kind…                 

Still making mistakes (one)…

Hi there! It’s a Saturday morning, nice and bright, quite warm.

This little thing is about tenses. Mine and apparently, I’m still getting them mixed up. I’ll just run off a few examples and we’ll see what happens.

Okay, here we go:

“I haven’t got any money.” She said.  Now, this to me is present tense.

“I haven’t got any money.” She’d said. Now, this is past tense.

I wrote something a few days ago and I used ‘She said’ and I was informed that this was ‘past’, which I’m happy to admit that I don’t see as being ‘past’. The second line of dialogue just above this is ‘past’, because I used ‘She’d said’ Is there something I’m missing here? Something that I’m not hearing because of the way I talk?  The use of tenses was discussed at length during evening classes and I can’t see anything wrong with ‘She said’ at all. Maybe I’m thick, maybe I need new batteries or something, perhaps someone would be kind enough to explain this to me. What I think I’ll do is go back and read the piece I submitted and come back to this after. So, give me a minute or five and I’ll be back.

Hi, me again. Right, a quick explanantion. The piece I wrote is called ‘A Moment When…’ it’s loaded on Write words, in the beginners group. Okay, I’ll give you the full line here as well:

Sinead steps in from the en suite, “Hi ya gorgeous!” She said.

Okay, that’s the line in full. Now, this is what has me puzzled. To  me, this is present tense, not past as was commented on. Am I reading this wrong? The other point is when the word ‘thought’ is used. Is that past or present? Try this:

I thought about it.

I had thought about it.

To me, the second line is past. The first is what I’m doing now.   I’ve just spotted something. The first one is past as well. Because I thought represents something I’ve already done. Ah ha! I think I see what she was getting at. It still doesn’t sound wrong though. The word I should have used would be ‘think’ if it’s present. Hang on, I’m getting all in knots here, I may need a fresh mug of tea and I’ll be back again after. Okay, I’m back again, I’ve had a few mugs of tea and I think all is well again.

Saturday afternoon… Seems quiet. The couple from upstairs are walking around a lot, the floorboards squeak and groan every now and then and then of course, I have the passing traffic out front. Okay, so now I’m getting a move on, before this gets so bloody awful and I bin it like I did with the previous draft. I deleted that simply because it was awfully dim and boring. I had a plan for it, but that plan fell apart shortly after I realised that it was a pile of crap and I should never have started it. As we now discover, I’m not shy about deleting stuff at all. If it’s not working, or not going where I want it to go, I delete it. Easy, just a push of a button and it’s gone.

This had the plan of me looking at Tenses. Yep, I’ve kind of wandered away from that as well. It does happen that way, from time to time. The thing here is that I’m still confused on tenses. A thought, I think. Could thought be present? Should I use think? I’m thinking about this now and in a couple of minutes, it’ll be I thought about it. Hmmm, getting a little pissed off with this. Maybe I should shut up and do something else. But this has got me thinking and perhaps that’s not as bad as it sounds. I’m gonna cock all this up in a minute, you watch, it’ll happen.

It’s twenty passed eleven on Sunday morning, it’s turned quite chilly out. A little drizzly as well, but I was smart enough to miss that when I went down to the shop. The dog from next door is barking its bloody head off and has just now stopped.  Apart from the sound of my tumble drier, it’s peaceful enough and just me again. Sunday evening and weather wise, it’s been pretty crappy. I saw a note on facebook from my son, about him going to Canterbury tomorrow. Something which I forgot all about! Shit! I completely forgot about that and I’ve been trying to contact them without much luck so far. I’ll have to try again later. Don’t I feel such a fool now? Yeah, I do and it’s not helping me at all!

Another touch of the ‘What am I doing now?’ Well, I’ve started reading again. I have a couple of books by Tanya Huff, the author of the ‘Blood’ series of books and for some really unknown reason, I picked up ‘Blood Price’ and started reading it again. Later, I went to the shelf and pulled out ‘Blood Trail’ and began reading this as well. I have read ‘Blood Price’ before and I why I picked these out again I don’t know. The other book I was reading was ‘The Woman in White’ by Wilkie Collins and I’m stunned as to just how fabulous this book is.  I’ve put this aside for now, as Miss Huff seems to have grabbed my attention again.

I also started (Not sure if that’s right) the prequel to ‘Miranda and Wendy’. I got the first 15 pages done and it took a long time to do this, almost the whole of Sunday, I must be slipping. Mind you, I have already said (Numerous times!) that I don’t write as much, so I guess that this has something to do with it. However, the prequel is underway and will find it’s way onto WriteWords later in the week. Funny where these things come from. I haven’t got a title to this little story yet, I just call it the prequel and it’s odd that I’ve never done something like this before. I suppose I’ll feel just the same when I get round to doing the sequel and I have a few parts done for that already.

I was trying to pin down the time frame for this story and I think it runs March to Christmas 2008. Miranda and Wendy runs from July to early August 2009, so the prequel is a bit of a leap. The sequel runs from Miranda’s birthday, August 9th, to October and the move that she and Wendy have planned. As for the Dark Places series? On hold again and I think that any day now, Christina and Helen are gonna pay me a visit and ask what’s taking so long. I still need to make decision on where this part is going. Thanks to Angelika, who’s brilliant crit of the opening of C6 has made me stop this for now, I’m still convinced I don’t need that bedroom scene as it just throws out the previous five chapters and even ch. 7 to a large extent, I wrote chapters around C6, no it’s not all done, but I hit on an idea while drinking tea and that’s what I think I’ll go with. The idea I don’t suppose is that startling but I began to think about Helen and her want to have a baby. She was a mother before and she does mother Christina to a certain extent, but I thought what if Helen wants to be a mum again? Christina can’t have kids. That’s already been given away and thanks to that demon, for Christina having a baby is a definite no.  Something for me to think about, I have to be careful with this, it means switching back into research mode again and hopefully, I won’ t make it too serious.

Okay, it’s Monday June 30. I reckon I’ve gone on long enough with this. I keep going and I end up not knowing what I’ve done or where I’ve been. Told you that not much of this makes sense. I did warn you. So for now, mind how you go and take it easy out there. Oh and please, mind the gap!